Behind the Door: What Adolescence Teaches Us About Parental Presence

If you’ve watched Adolescence on Netflix recently, chances are you finished it with a hollow ache in your chest. It’s not just the harrowing spiral of one young man’s choices—it’s the quiet, familiar backdrop: a loving family, a closed bedroom door, and a growing chasm between parent and child. For many, the show hits close to home. Because so many of us have children behind doors, lost in their screens, and we’re not always sure what they're watching—or who they’re becoming.

Even the most caring, conscious parents can find themselves wondering: How did we miss it?

The myth of “good parenting” as a shield

The parents in Adolescence aren’t negligent. They’re not harsh or dismissive. They love their son. They care. They don’t model toxic masculinity. And yet, things go terribly wrong. This challenges a belief many of us cling to—that if we’re kind, open-minded, and present, our children will be protected.

In families everywhere, children are spending hours alone in their rooms, scrolling through content we don’t fully understand. And even the most caring parents can find themselves unsure of when—or how—to step in.

Presence matters. But it’s not always obvious what that means.

As I watched the show, I kept thinking, 'parental presence may have made a difference.' Parental presence is how we show up in our child’s life. It’s about staying emotionally connected, even when they pull away. And it’s about knowing when to step forward, especially when something doesn’t feel right. Most parents don't have a road map for that anymore, which makes us hesitant. Unsure.

Luckily, there are three ways we can be present for our child in this complex, digital, message-saturated world:

Caring Presence

This is a parent's foundation. For this family, it might have looked like open conversations about what their son was watching online. About masculinity. About belonging. It’s not always easy—but it opens the door (sometimes literally and metaphorically) for a child to feel seen.

For us, it's the quiet, everyday connection we build with our child—through warmth, interest, and trust. It might look be creating space for conversations about what they’re watching online, how they’re feeling about themselves, or what they’re seeing about gender, power, and identity. It’s about being a safe place to land.

Loving Persistence

Sometimes, love needs to be active. When something feels off, Loving Persistence is the next step. It’s about gently pushing past the resistance. Noticing isolation. Staying curious. Being proactive. Checking in, again and again, even when you’re met with silence. We don’t back off just because they push us away. Instead, we lean in. We keep inviting connection. We let them know we’re noticing—and we care too much to ignore it.

Active Resistance

This level of parental presence is about protection. When there’s a growing sense of danger, parents can (and should) act. That might mean breaking unspoken rules like “I never go in their room” or “I don’t check their online history.” It might mean reaching out to a trusted adult, therapist, or mentor. In some cases, it could mean setting limits around internet use—not as punishment, but as protection. These are hard choices, especially when we want to respect our teen’s autonomy. But when safety is at stake, doing nothing can send the wrong message.

I don't believe the family in Adolescence would've needed Active Resistance. Eddie and Manda had a beautiful bond with Jamie. If they'd had the tools to increase their parental presence, Jamie would've responded. He would've spoken to his parents about the emotional distress he was in.

What Adolescence shows us is the danger of silence.

Not just the child’s silence—but the parent’s too. The silence that comes from uncertainty. From fear of overstepping. From hoping things will get better on their own.

But presence doesn’t mean perfection. It just means showing up—imperfectly, consistently, and with courage.

If your child is behind a door…It’s not too late. You don’t need to do it all at once. But consider:

• When’s the last time we talked about what they’re seeing online?

• Am I noticing changes I’ve been unsure how to address?

• Have I been waiting for things to get worse before I act?

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Because parenting isn’t about always getting it right. It’s about being willing to try again. To reach out again. To care loudly—even if the world tells us to back off.